Zambrano Happy to Help...Just Not Happy Happy

According to Paul Sullivan of the Chicago Tribune, Carlos Zambrano is happy to help the Cubs pathetic bullpen, he's just not happy happy. Don't get me wrong, he likes to help, he just doesn't like like to help.

In fact, BLT has acquired what we believe to be the authentic note that Lou passed to Big Z at recess in order to see how he really feels about the pen.



It may or may not be authentic but it explains how this decision was made in the first place...

Mind-Bogglingly Stupid

So...who do we fire first? That was the one of the first questions that came to mind after hearing the news that Carlos Zambrano was the new 8th-inning set-up guy. The other questions were:

1. Have they all lost their fucking minds?

2. Why do I root for this team?

3. What is the square root of 1,758? (It's 41.92851058647326)

The following garbage is from Cubs.com:

Chicago manager Lou Piniella had to make a move because of Lilly’s impending return from the effects of an arthroscopic surgery on his pitching shoulder, and he felt Zambrano made the best fit for a number of reasons. The Cubs didn’t want to move Carlos Silva into the bullpen because he’s been on a hot streak, and southpaw Tom Gorzelanny wouldn’t fit as well in relief.

Z goes to the pen because Silva is on a fucking hot streak? Have you gone mad?

“This makes all the sense in the world and I appreciate Carlos doing this,” said Piniella of the decision. “It gives us some power at the end of the ballgame. With Zambrano and [Carlos] Marmol, it gives us some firepower.”

This makes as much sense as wiping before you poop. You know what? Let's make Chad Tracy our everyday goddamn third baseman so we can have Ramirez give us some firepower off the bench.

Dave van Dyck is Wise

Dave van Dyck of the Chicago Tribune is an incredibly gifted columnist. Here he is imparting his wisdom about Alfonso Soriano.

That's what he said after Saturday's 4-3 Cubs loss to the Astros, another game in which Soriano heard both boos and cheers from the 40,471 fans at Wrigley Field. Though went 2-for-4 with a key eighth-inning RBI, he also made his third error, giving him three on the season.

Wait just a second. When he made his third error, you're trying to tell me that gave him three errors for the season? Next thing you'll tell me is that in his 2-for-4 game, he had 2 hits in 4 at-bats.

Touch 'em all, Dave...

Former Cub Update: Aaron Miles Still Sucks

Courtesy of MLB Trade Rumors:

John Fay of the Cincinnati Enquirer tweets the results of Aaron Miles and Wladimir Balentien being designated for assignment by the Reds. Both players cleared waivers. Miles was released, while Balentien was outrighted to Triple A.

Apparently Aaron Miles doesn't have copies of the same incriminating photos of Dusty's wife that Neifi Perez had for all those years...

Introducing a Hilarious and Fresh New Feature at BLT: Pumail!

So, you know that unfunny bit we do here from time to time called "Running Clock?" No, well allow me to explain. Throughout the year I will randomly post emails from Clock that he sends me during our busy, busy work day because, quite frankly, I feel selfish keeping his rants to myself. You can find examples of "Running Clock" here, here, and here.

Well frankly, it's been a long time since Clock has said anything remotely interesting or funny. He's like our own Jimmy Fallon. That is why we are proud to present...Pumail! That's right Puma fans Puma fan Puma, you now have your own email feature. Today we take on the sensitive subject of race at Wrigley:

From: jay@bushleaguetimes.com
Sent: Friday, April 09, 2010 8:39 AM
To: Puma
Subject: It appears Marlon Byrd knows that he's black...

Quote from Byrd in today's Sun-Times below...

"It's huge," Byrd said. "It's hard starting off slow. I want to get some hits out of the way before we get to Chicago, before I get booed."

From: Puma
Sent: Friday, April 09, 2010 8:58 AM
To: Jay@bushleaguetimes.com
Subject: RE: It appears Marlon Byrd knows that he's black...

I love that guy…

From: Jay@bushleaguetimes.com
Sent: Friday, April 09, 2010 9:01 AM
To: Puma
Subject: RE: It appears Marlon Byrd knows that he's black...

Gordon Wittenmyer will not allow it. Please take it back and be racist like you're supposed to...

From: Puma
Sent: Friday, April 09, 2010 9:04 AM
To: Jay@bushleaguetimes.com
Subject: RE: It appears Marlon Byrd knows that he's black...

Yeah but did you see him sprint the bases on the Home Run? It was a very scrappy-white-guy thing to do. I think there’s some grey area here…

From: Jay@bushleaguetimes.com
Sent: Friday, April 09, 2010 9:13 AM
To: Puma
Subject: RE: It appears Marlon Byrd knows that he's black...

I think you may be on to something here. Marlon Byrd is a sell-out. UNCLE TOM! MARLON BYRD IS AN UNCLE TOM SELL-OUT! HE'S NOT TRUE TO HIS RACE BECAUSE THE WRIGLEY RACISTS WILL NOT ALLOW IT! THERE IS NO GREY AREA, YOU ARE A CUBS FAN AND YOU MUST VIEW THE WORLD IN BLACK OR WHITE! I DEMAND THAT YOU CUT TWO EYE HOLES IN THE WHITE PILLOW CASE YOU HAVE OVER YOUR HEAD SO YOU MAY SEE THIS MORE CLEARLY!

From: Puma
Sent: Friday, April 09, 2010 9:22 AM
To: jay@bushleaguetimes.com
Subject: RE: It appears Marlon Byrd knows that he's black...

What about dark-skinned Hispanics like Caridad? Or are they not “real” black guys like Torii Hunter says?

From: Jay@bushleaguetimes.com
Sent: Friday, April 09, 2010 9:30 AM
To: Puma
Subject: RE: It appears Marlon Byrd knows that he's black...

Wow, I can't believe how racist you are...

Second Verse, Same As The First

Well gang, that was fun...wasn't it? "Year One" started out a lot like the original 102 years did as the Cubs fell to the Braves Eleventy-Five to Five (or something like that).

It wasn't a total loss however. Zambrano looked sharp and showed a lot of composure, Samardzija looked really effective out of the pen and could be a top-end starter in no time, and some records were set:

* The Cubs gave up at least six runs in two innings. The last time they did that was July 3, 1999 in Philadelphia, a 21-8 loss. The last time the Braves had two 6-plus run innings against the Cubs was August 14, 1934, when the Boston Braves beat the Cubs, 15-2, at Wrigley.

* Only once have the Cubs given up more than six runs in an inning on Opening Day. On April 5, 1988, they gave up seven runs in the fourth in Atlanta -- yet beat the Braves, 10-9, in 13 innings.

* The last time the Cubs gave up six runs in an inning on Opening Day was March 31, 1998, in Florida. The Marlins took a 6-3 lead in the first inning.

* Carlos Zambrano lasted 1 1/3 innings vs. the Braves, matching his shortest career start. The last time a Cubs starting pitcher had an abbreviated outing on Opening Day was April 12, 1965. In that game, Larry Jackson lasted just two-thirds of an inning, giving up four hits, two walks, five runs (three earned). The Cubs and Cardinals played to a 10-10 tie.

* The 16 runs are the most ever served up by the Cubs on Opening Day. The previous
high was 15 on May 1, 1884, when New York beat Chicago, 15-3. Since 1900, the most runs given up was 12 on April 4, 1994, in the Mets' 12-8 win.

* The May 1, 1884, game 12-run deficit also is the largest margin of defeat in the season opener. However, Monday's 11 run deficit sets a moder Cubs Opening Day mark, eclipsing nine-run losses (10-1 to the Reds on April 4, 1914; and 11-2 to the Astros, April 10, 1962).

I know it's one game and the Cubs can still acheive my 161-1 prediction, but a couple of more performances like this one and I think we'll all be ready for Year Two to start.

It's Business Time

Opening Day is here and I have to say, it kind of snuck up on me this year. I'm usually as giddy as an 8-year-old who's waiting for Christmas morning. It's different this year though, it's as if I'm an 8-year-old who's received a flaming bag of dog shit for the last three Christmases and now I'm not as excited for the jolly fat man to come and kick me in my balls. But, I digress.

Whether you think this is the year (again) or your expectations have never been lower, it's time to stop arguing over who the 25th man should be and play ball. Thank God.