Great news everybody! As of today, there are only 162 games left before this miserable experience known as the 2011 Cubs season is over. Year Two begins with your new skipper, Mike Quade taking over the helm full-time since last year's manager walked out midseason leaving the rest of us to be covered in dog shit while he came away with clean shoes. But you know the old adage in baseball, if your team fucking blows then hire good ol' Mike Quade and he'll turn it around in no time. I'm just kidding, only a fucking idiot would think that. Speaking of, let's look at what Jim Hendry assembled, shall we? (Editor's note - For convenience, please assume that every player listed below has either a full or partial no-trade clause. Also, if your glass is a little more half-full, you may want to read this season preview instead).
Catchers:
Geovany Soto & Koyie Hill - Combined, our catchers have 16 fingers but that doesn't stop them from rolling the fatties now, does it? One can't hit for shit and the other one at least waits until there are RISP to suck. But if those bases are empty, brother...look out gappers!
First Base:
Carlos Pena - Carlos hit .198 last year. Basically, that makes him Derrek Lee but without the glove. Jim Hendry is paying him $10 million dollars this year to hit below .200 for the Cubs. But hey, he'll probably hit around 30 HRs so that makes it all right.
Second Base:
Blake DeWitt, Darwin Barney and Jeff Baker - Admit it, you just peed down your leg a little bit in excitement reading those names. I apologize to all the fans at Wrigley this summer who sit near me and won't be able to see anything due to the glare off my golden erection glistening in the afternoon sun over our 2nd base options. Also, what do we think of calling Darwin Barney "Purple Evolution?" Is that a go or is it too forced?
Shortstop:
Starlin Castro - As fine of a shortstop you will find unless somebody hits the ball to him. Then you can find 23 better options around the league.
Third Base:
Aramis Ramirez - As Aramis goes, so go the Cubs. Unfortunately that probably means they won't play defense and they'll play with Cocks. Quade had to ask Ramirez during Spring Training to be more of a leader. If you have to ask somebody to lead, that's probably not the sign of a good leader.
Outfield:
Alfonso Soriano, Marlon Byrd, Kosuke Fukudome, Tyler Colvin - Yikes! Let those four names sink in for a minute. How many games do you think there will be this season where this group combines for at least 3 strikeouts? You could set the total at 160 and I'd probably take the over. Luckily, we'll be rid of Soriano's and Fuk's contracts by the year 2037.
Starting Pitchers:
Ryan Dempster, Carlos Zambrano, Matt Garza, Randy Wells, Andrew Cashner - It's really got to be a weird feeling to be living the dream of playing major league baseball, getting to walk to the mound every fifth day to toe the rubber at beautiful Wrigley Field, and then looking at what's behind you to supposedly play defense and trying to fight the urge to blow your brains out. We'll get to see if all five of these guys are mentally tough enough to resist killing themselves or any person who plays on the left side of the field. Randy Wells sucked last year, huh? Couldn't have seen that one coming.
Bullpen:
John Grabow, Jeff Samardzija, James Russell, Kerry Wood, Carlos Marmol, Marcos Mateo, Sean Marshall - This group...this group should be fun. Let's look at the breakdown:
Grabow = Huge Turd
Samardzija = Untradeable Turd
Russell = Lefty Turd
Wood = Can he pitch every day?
Marmol = I likey
Mateo = Future All Turd
Marshall = I likey but has Turd potential
You really can't get that kind of analysis anywhere else.
3 keys to Cubs winning the division:
1. Every single player on this team has a career year
2. Every team in NL Central quits...before August 1st so there's still time to catch them.
3. Fire Jim Hendry, blow up the roster and start over. Couldn't be worse...
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